“Mr Pub Ji Najam Sethi” and his ideas of diplomatic charm!

Raju Korti
(By now a baffled, bemused, and barely sober observer of subcontinental absurdities!)

It’s not every day that one hears of diplomacy being reduced to glamourised charm offensives in pubs -- but then, Najam Sethi is no ordinary man. Over the years, he has been a journalist, a cricket board chief, a political whisperer, a talk show regular, and now, apparently, an unpaid scriptwriter for a satirical Netflix series that merges House of Cards with Sex and the City -- set in Islamabad.

I have watched the video thrice now, each time hoping he might wink at the camera to indicate he was joking. But no, there it was, delivered with all the gravitas of a man who once decided that selecting a cricket captain was his true calling. Now, diplomacy too must bear the brunt of his benevolent brainstorming.

Let me summarize: in response to India’s growing influence in Washington, Mr. Sethi, in his infinite wisdom, has proposed that Pakistan send “attractive women” to charm American think tanks, instead of relying on its allegedly “timid bureaucrats.” For someone who has worn many hats, Sethi appears to have now misplaced the one marked “dignity.”

Sethi insists this is how diplomacy works: not with policy papers, hard data, or well-reasoned arguments -- but with park strolls, pub chats, and a hint of flirtatious finesse. I don’t know if this eureka moment struck him during “happy hours” in Lahore but it certainly qualifies as a low point in the already unceremonious pile of foreign policy advice Pakistan has seen.

What next? Trade agreements negotiated over candlelit dinners? UN resolutions rewritten as sonnets?Mind you, this is a country facing global scrutiny over terrorism, and its “senior intellectuals” are mulling whether dim lighting and a dazzling smile might succeed where policy and principle have failed.

The best part is Sethi's contempt for bureaucrats -- those poor souls trying to uphold what’s left of Pakistan’s diplomatic structure. According to him, they’re just not “pub people.” Really, now. Imagine calling your nation’s foreign service timid because they prefer formal memos to bar banter. What are they supposed to do -- practice diplomacy over karaoke?

One wonders, has Najam Sethi ever met an actual think tanker? These are people who yak about use of nuclear weapons during breakfast, lunch and dinner. Sending in “charmers” to debate sanctions and regional instability is like hiring stand-up comedians to negotiate ceasefires.

In one fell swoop, Sethi has also managed to insult the intelligence community -- not the spies, but the policy wonks in Washington, who actually run the think tanks. Apparently, they are so easily swayed that all it takes is a knowing smile and a clever pun about Kashmir to win them over. I am sure they are blushing beetroot red.

Pakistan’s women, quite rightly, erupted in anger. Activists condemned the comments as not just sexist but staggeringly stupid. And I dare say the men didn’t fare much better -- reduced to caricatures of incompetence in Sethi’s telling of the tale.

If Najam Sethi is serious -- and I dread the possibility -- then it is time he rewrote the textbook on diplomacy. Suggested title: High Heels, Low Policy: Soft Power the Sethi Way. Available soon at every bar counter and foreign ministry waiting room near you.

Until then, I suggest we all take a long stroll – preferably with headphones in place -- because the next time Mr. Sethi decides to “think aloud,” we might just find ourselves discussing strategic deterrence over speed dating.