Existential crisis, an eternally tangled knot

Raju Korti
Caught in the throes of existential contemplation, I have been wading through a murky fog of uncertainty in recent years. People call it existential crisis triggered by life's trials and tribulations. I call it so because it is a period of profound doubt and confusion about the meaning, purpose and value of one's life. In my case, it stems from two outcomes of life's trials -- errors and tribulations. Each worse than the other.

Long bouts with philosophical introspection tell me that this is a feeling of alienation -- a feeling of empty distance and non-belonging. This feeling of "otherness", of being like everyone else around, is characterized by anxiety, loneliness, boredom, meaninglessness and absurdity. Most people understand it as the Hamlet's contemplation of "to be or not to be" as life suddenly holds no meaning with the attendant detachment towards very existence. I feel like isolated or am out of place. Not a philosopher by any stretch, I do not now if it is a vibe or a defect. What felt like solitude initially now turns out to be alienation.

Some people tell me this is absolutely normal and that the feeling of detachment is not a disease but actually a blessing in disguise. In my limited wisdom, I am not qualified to comment or decide about that in my perpetual confusion. What I know for sure is I do not feel connected with most of the people I meet in life. It is a trait that is commonly misunderstood as ego or self-image. In all probability, my disconnection results from the dissatisfaction with what my life is. But for the life of me, I can't figure out how it ought to be, either!

A psychologist has given an interesting perspective. He believes this is my inner guidance leading me to what my body and soul needs. Getting away from people sometimes gives you time and space to realign yourself. I do not know how that can happen but am inclined to think that my sense of detachment has arisen from two factors. When you don't feel you are being heard or matter, or have an experience that prevents you from involving yourself. I am amazed by the inherent contrast that existentialism owes its very existence to trials, errors and tribulations. "Who am I" or "What am I" are questions that render everything else in life almost meaningless.

I do not know if I am one of those who find themselves drifting towards a state of detachment and meaninglessness. Trials and tribulations spare no one. I have had personal struggles, professional setbacks and a constant flow of unforeseen obstacles. I would be lying if I said these all tested my resilience or pushed my boundaries. I preferred to run away from them, the adversities never bringing in their wake even an iota of empathy. 

The more I introspect on them, the deeper I am mired by existential questions. I doubt anyone, deeply submerged in today's material, worldly and consumerist mindset, would have the time and inclination to be bothered but life is a great leveller. I am sure one day, they would be as clueless, feel as meaningless and live in a vacuum as I do now. 

The only bottom line to life is it has to go on. For, life itself is detached. Once you make peace with the fact that it is just a mosaic of moments where you dance between grasping the present and letting go of the past, you either become a philosopher or a practical consumerist. I am neither, and hence the existential question of "to be or not to be"!