Paisa feko tamasha dekho...

Raju Korti

Before I indulge in my routine exercise of unleashing a harangue on you, I must make a honest confession. I am one of those countless millions who stick around in front of the TV to watch the jamboree called Indian Premier League, which can be more aptly described as the International Paisa League. However, my affectation happens by sheer default as I have precious little to do otherwise and because no other entertainment perhaps comes more cheaper.
As a humble man who contributes to the IPL exchequer and the bloating pockets of our pampered cricketers, I have few equally humble suggestions to the IPL think thank. That is, of course, believing that some thinking goes into this hoopla. Here are my two cents that will probably add up to nothing.

FOR THE COMMENTATORS

1) Don't qualify every streaky shot that runs to the boundary with a tired and jaded "Doesn't matter how they come as long as they come". Think of some other phrase. English is expansive enough to offer you different fares.
2) For heaven's sake avoid comments like "1999 runs in IPL. He needs just one run to reach 2000." That undermines our common sense and knowledge of Maths.
3) Please find alternate adjectives for every hike over the boundary. We have had enough of "Fantastic"  and "Stunning".
4) Do not waste steam on describing field positions and the scores. The TV screen does it for you and the viewers watch with their eyes.
5) The excitement and noise is already in the air. So don't scream when every wicket falls or a ball is hit. Reserve those decibels for more fitting occasions.
6) We do not have to be experts in human psychology to know that no batsman is happy when he is out LBW or no bowler is happy when a catch is put down off his bowling. By now we have learnt it by heart: "He will be so disappointed".
7) Get rid of fluff like "He can bat a fair bit/hit a long distance, very exciting to watch" or "its a youngsters game but the veterans have proved better" and stuff like that. Cliches aren't fun at all.

FOR THE ANCHORS
1) You are supposed to ask questions, not make statements. "You played well today", "The wicket was good and the ball came onto the bat" and "You will be happy/disappointed with your performance" are not questions.
2) Don't ask leading and obvious questions like "What went wrong?" or "How does it feel to get your first five-wicket haul?". The viewer already knows the answers.
3) Spare us of the antics like jigs, waltzs and dancing. Leave it to the cheerleaders who are in any case paid to do that. Also save us from those weird expressions even if it is something as inane and mindless as "Jhamping jhamping jhapang Gili Gili Ye.". The relentless bombarding of this atrocity is traumatising enough.
4) Do not treat us to excess dosages of wise-cracking. Your comments are mortifying enough.

FOR THE PLAYERS
1) Find better expressions. Kicking the air, jumping and pumping muscles do not excite any more.
2) Sledging, swearing, glaring and mouthing expletives is passe and boring. You have the bat and ball to show your mettle. You don't have to be so melodaramtically polite either when you get words of praise or an award. It sounds terribly corny when you are praising a rival whom you had sledged barely a while ago. The "heat of the moment" act doesn't impress, doesn't convince.

FOR THE ORGANISERS
1) Rewards are fine but paying Rs 1 lakh for a six or a catch is a bit too tough on our poor sensitivities. By now we know the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) has earned the sobriquet of being Mr Moneybags and can loosen its purse-strings for even the minorest achievement.
2) Get hold of a more sensible outfit to train the cheerleaders. The bum-shaking act has gone bust.
3) Remind the players every now and then that they are hero-worshipped and elevated at the cost of we poor, doting fans. Make sure they don't lose sight of the fact that they have a head on their shoulders and that it does not get bloated with reasons other than cricket.

NOW FOR THE GROUND REALITY
This blog is going to be such a waste (of time). The International Paisa League doesn't ride on people's perception but their money. So in this IPL Season 6, let's keep braving "Jhamping jhamping jhapang Gili Gili Ye" and laugh it off.