A semi-pensioner with lot to do and little to gain!

Raju Korti
These days, I tell anyone, who cares to ask, that I am a semi-pensioner -- caught between the uncertainty of no stable income and the constant struggle to find purpose. Living in this limbo, each day is a balancing act of managing my limited resources and seeking a sense of belonging. In short, an existential crisis.

Image generated through AI

As a semi-pensioner, my existence is a curious blend of freedom and relentless anxiety. I am neither fully retired nor gainfully employed, a predicament where financial instability looms large. Every day is a jigsaw puzzle of survival strategies, trying to stretch the limited income I have from sporadic minor work and the rapidly dwindling remains of my past savings.

The thought of retiring (rather being made to retire) before the age of 60 felt like stepping off a cliff into an abyss. In my naivete, I had envisioned an extended vacation, filled with leisurely pursuits and newfound passions. Instead, I found myself feeling lost and purposeless. The social interactions and daily routines of work, which I once took for granted, became gaping voids in my life. I quickly caught on to the fact that without structure and a sense of contribution, retirement was far from the tantalizing scenario of a blissful escape I had imagined.

Returning to work in a minor capacity was a compelling necessity, both financially and mentally. The income is modest, just enough to keep the wheels turning, but not enough to alleviate the persistent worry about the future. At 68, I am still grappling with the need to reinvent myself. Every morning, I search for a reason to get out of the bed beyond the basics of eating and self-care. It is a struggle to find meaning and purpose in a life that feels increasingly fragmented. This blog is just an escape route and a fleeting but desperate attempt at diversion and distraction.

The society views work as more than just a means to earn money; it is intertwined with one's identity and sense of worth. Money is, undeniably, the currency of survival. Without it, the existential crisis deepens, making every day a battle to sustain oneself. I believe, we are a tribal species, and without a community or support system, survival becomes an uphill task. Finding my tribe in retirement has been essential, yet incredibly challenging. 

I feel that everything else apart, cooperation and connection are vital. Those without a tribe tend to wither, their lives shrinking as they struggle alone. Health issues add another layer of complexity, as the safety net of family or friends becomes even more critical. I do not know if I sound emotional or overly sensitive, but to me an honest confession overrides all other thoughts.

In this journey, I have come to realize that while financial security is paramount, emotional and social well-being are as much important. The predicament of being a semi-pensioner is one of navigating uncertainties, but also seeking out the pockets of life where joy and purpose have to be rummaged from the unending struggle.

In the dance between survival and purpose, my steps falter, yet I persist. In the twilight of uncertainty, hoping that the beginning of a new dawn awaits. Jeevan chalne ka naam, chalte raho subaho shaam!