Romancing the Aadhar Card

Raju Korti
Humour is the most significant activity of the brain. It stood me in good humour when I was physically laid low after a life-threatening surgery and ominous clouds of depression hovering. It was a potential antidote in my debilitated condition.
In one such forced humorous moment, I had suggested in a post on Facebook that our honourable parliamentarians bring in a law that all valid documents like Passport, Aadhar card and PAN card be accompanied by a selfie with a pout and that pout should be associated with a unique Pout Identity Number. Of course, no one in the establishment took cognisance but the youngsters, especially my students upheld the idea by "thoko-ing" a record-break "likes". That seed seems to have germinated now. If what I have read in a news portal is true, the airlines have approached the government to make Aadhar-verified contact details compulsory for booking air tickets. The Aadhar card has already brought in your hard-earned money -- black and white -- under government scrutiny. Demonetisation has already turned the taxman into a voyeur. But wait, the Aadhar card seems to be in for a more searching role to the extent of being your death wish.

As an extension and riposte to the story I read, I wrote today that the day is not far when the guy manning the Sulabh Shouchalaya (public latrines) will ask you to produce your Aadhar card before you get set to relieve yourself. Else you have the uphill task of holding on to your bursting bladder or piddly bum until you return home.
While the people are getting to be "cardiologists" of sorts -- Voters card, Aadhar card, Pan card et al, I am looking at a possible scenario where nothing will move without the Aadhar card or the PAN card. Here are some of them. Mind you, that is not mindless humour. It should be taken with a pinch of reality.
A pregnant woman will not be allowed to deliver unless she produces her Aadhar card. The gynaecologist will want her to give a xerox. Her maternity will be linked to Aadhar card.
Likewise, a dead person will not be cremated or buried unless his relatives produce his Aadhar card.
It will be mandatory for school, college admissions and while applying for jobs. Students will be required to carry their Aadhar card instead of the hall ticket. This will eliminate chances of impersonation. In short, your academic career will be linked with Nandan Nilekani's brainchild.
Your housing society will not allow you to enter the premises unless you show them any of the valid photo documents. The security guard at the gate will have the right to shoo you away.
The chaiwala (not the one in Delhi) will ask you for your Aadhar card before serving his concoction and because you will be required to pay him through a crossed cheque, you may also have to quote your PAN number. Remember cashless economy.
Marriages will not be solemnised until the spouses to-be produce their Aadhar card. A photocopy will have to be accompanied with the wedding card. Tail of two cards! Divorce, maintenance and alimony will obviously not be granted without the Aadhar card or PAN card,
Wives will not allow family members anywhere near the dining table, less so, serve food without the Aadhar card. Your appetite will be linked with it.
Opening accounts in the social media and email will also need an Aadhar card. Every post/status should mention your Aadhar and or PAN number. It will be compulsory for you to use the same photo as your profile photo. Your correspondence with people will be linked to Aadhar card and if you don't quote the PAN number before logging in, access will be denied.
You will be required to validate one photo id proof with another photo id.
The government will name in its official gazette all those whose transactions are found to be in order.
These cards will not be compulsory for political leaders and their parties but they shall use political, religious and caste cards as and when they please.
So friends scurry to the nearest centre to get them if you don't have them, and once you receive them, cling on to them for dear life. But just one exception: You will be spared from looking at any of these cards if you value your looks.
Silly jokes like calling an Aadhar card as Udhaar card will be a punishable offence under the Official Cards Act.
A matter of life and death you see.