Paisa feko tamasha dekho...

Raju Korti

Before I indulge in my routine exercise of unleashing a harangue on you, I must make a honest confession. I am one of those countless millions who stick around in front of the TV to watch the jamboree called Indian Premier League, which can be more aptly described as the International Paisa League. However, my affectation happens by sheer default as I have precious little to do otherwise and because no other entertainment perhaps comes more cheaper.
As a humble man who contributes to the IPL exchequer and the bloating pockets of our pampered cricketers, I have few equally humble suggestions to the IPL think thank. That is, of course, believing that some thinking goes into this hoopla. Here are my two cents that will probably add up to nothing.

FOR THE COMMENTATORS

1) Don't qualify every streaky shot that runs to the boundary with a tired and jaded "Doesn't matter how they come as long as they come". Think of some other phrase. English is expansive enough to offer you different fares.
2) For heaven's sake avoid comments like "1999 runs in IPL. He needs just one run to reach 2000." That undermines our common sense and knowledge of Maths.
3) Please find alternate adjectives for every hike over the boundary. We have had enough of "Fantastic"  and "Stunning".
4) Do not waste steam on describing field positions and the scores. The TV screen does it for you and the viewers watch with their eyes.
5) The excitement and noise is already in the air. So don't scream when every wicket falls or a ball is hit. Reserve those decibels for more fitting occasions.
6) We do not have to be experts in human psychology to know that no batsman is happy when he is out LBW or no bowler is happy when a catch is put down off his bowling. By now we have learnt it by heart: "He will be so disappointed".
7) Get rid of fluff like "He can bat a fair bit/hit a long distance, very exciting to watch" or "its a youngsters game but the veterans have proved better" and stuff like that. Cliches aren't fun at all.

FOR THE ANCHORS
1) You are supposed to ask questions, not make statements. "You played well today", "The wicket was good and the ball came onto the bat" and "You will be happy/disappointed with your performance" are not questions.
2) Don't ask leading and obvious questions like "What went wrong?" or "How does it feel to get your first five-wicket haul?". The viewer already knows the answers.
3) Spare us of the antics like jigs, waltzs and dancing. Leave it to the cheerleaders who are in any case paid to do that. Also save us from those weird expressions even if it is something as inane and mindless as "Jhamping jhamping jhapang Gili Gili Ye.". The relentless bombarding of this atrocity is traumatising enough.
4) Do not treat us to excess dosages of wise-cracking. Your comments are mortifying enough.

FOR THE PLAYERS
1) Find better expressions. Kicking the air, jumping and pumping muscles do not excite any more.
2) Sledging, swearing, glaring and mouthing expletives is passe and boring. You have the bat and ball to show your mettle. You don't have to be so melodaramtically polite either when you get words of praise or an award. It sounds terribly corny when you are praising a rival whom you had sledged barely a while ago. The "heat of the moment" act doesn't impress, doesn't convince.

FOR THE ORGANISERS
1) Rewards are fine but paying Rs 1 lakh for a six or a catch is a bit too tough on our poor sensitivities. By now we know the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) has earned the sobriquet of being Mr Moneybags and can loosen its purse-strings for even the minorest achievement.
2) Get hold of a more sensible outfit to train the cheerleaders. The bum-shaking act has gone bust.
3) Remind the players every now and then that they are hero-worshipped and elevated at the cost of we poor, doting fans. Make sure they don't lose sight of the fact that they have a head on their shoulders and that it does not get bloated with reasons other than cricket.

NOW FOR THE GROUND REALITY
This blog is going to be such a waste (of time). The International Paisa League doesn't ride on people's perception but their money. So in this IPL Season 6, let's keep braving "Jhamping jhamping jhapang Gili Gili Ye" and laugh it off.

From Pee-wish to Penance!

Raju Korti
By the time this blog surfaces on my Facebook wall, Maharashtra's honourable Deputy Chief Minister Ajitdada Pawar -- Sharad Pawar's gift to this "progressive state" -- will have, by his own pious and sacred considerations, flushed clean his sin of rubbing salt on the bleeding farmers of the state.
At a function at Indapur near Pune, the ever so irascible Pawar had said with his characteristic brusque "Paanich naahi tar mutayche kay?" (If there is no water in the dam ... Should we urinate into it?) even as the farmers already up to their neck in debt, heard the tactless remark in utter disbelief. As it would, it pissed off a state reeling under a severe drought. Political and media pressure forced him to tender an apology which he qualified with with a statement to the effect that it was an off-the-cuff comment and the biggest mistake of his life.

From whatever little I have seen and known about the man who comes from the prosperous sugarcane belt of western Maharashtra, atonement and penance are alien to his ethos. In the "who cares" corridors of Mantralaya, Pawar has acquired quite a reputation for his boorish and rude behaviour. It pales in comparison his dismal performance as the Irrigation Minister.
Ajitdada's arrogance stems out of the complacency that most political leaders derive out of financial and muscle power. Unfortunately, as a protégé of his wily uncle, Ajitdada hasn't learnt any lessons in sensitivity that his party spokesperson Nawab Malik wants to attribute him to.
Given his penchant to rub people the wrong way and often getting away with it, it probably didn't occur to Ajitdada's unceremonious gall that this time he was carrying the burden of his full bladder a bit too far. Worse still, he unleashed it on a hapless community which is presided over by his own uncle Sharad Pawar in his capacity as the country's Agriculture Minister .
Nothing puts the fear of God in a politician more than loss of face and chair. With the precipitous dung catching up with him, Ajitdada's conscience has suddenly woken up and now he has scrambled to the memorial of Yashwantrao Chavan in Karad for what he calls a "penance". Instead of apologising to the farmers at whose miserable expense he made that mindless speech, Ajitdada has in his belated wisdom chosen to say sorry to his mentor's mentor than to resign. Having had resigned earlier and reinstated again in the wake of the Rs 27,000 crore irrigation scam, Ajitdada knows that public memory is short.
Ajitdada's apology is a sham and his so called "penance" even a bigger one though he denies it as a publicity stunt. Doting uncle Sharad Pawar has already described his remarks with a mild "inappropriate".
It is likely the din will die down in the exchanges between the Opposition and the NCP as also between the  Cong-NCP, but hunger for power will allow the coalition to keep term(s). And men like Ajitdada will continue to not only survive, but also thrive through more controversies.
Watch out for the denouement in the third and last act of this high-voltage drama.  Everything will be forgotten and forgiven and the nephew will be back with a clean slate.  

Will this be the General's last salute?

Raju Korti

For his sheer propensity for the holier than thou, one needs to hand it to former president and general Pervez Musharraf. If you ignored the man's chameleonic character, Musharraf, who fled Pakistan to return after four years of "self imposed exile", has proclaimed with his usual bluster that "I am among those people who think of the country and the citizens." His precise timing to return to his troubled homeland shows just that, albeit in a contradictory manner.
Having seized power in a bloodless coup in 1999, Musharraf knows he is In The Line of Fire, to quote the name of his book. Ironically, Musharraf authored the paens to himself in the book when he was putting all parliamentary, judicial and democratic institutions in the firing line even when his crooked mind plotted the misadventure in Kargil without the knowledge of his prime minister Nawaz Sharif.
Like all politicians, he nursed grandiose ideas of his popularity by holding a rigged and bogus referendum to endorse himself as the President. Dictators across the world are not known to have survived their whimsical rule for long and Musharraf was no exception, though he did a shade better than many others. Obviously buoyed by the track record of the military rulers of the likes of the stupid Ayub Khan and the sinister Zia ul Haq, Musharraf survived for mainly two reasons: His carefully cultivated image as a suave and modern leader who wanted to bring his nation out of the fundamental morass even while egging the religious extremism against India and the United States. He found a convenient ally in the Americans, both thriving on political double standards. But two-timing never pays and he had to pay for this double cross, having to play along with the Americans in the war in Afghanistan. On the flip side, he harnessed the mushrooming militant groups waiting to strike against India.
Musharraf who never hid his admiration of Kamal Ataturk, used his devious mind to attack Kargil much against the wishes of his senior civilian and military officials. But the hush hush plan to infiltrate Kashmiri forces came a cropper after a heightened international pressure forced Sharif to withdraw the insurgents. It was here that the seeds of Musharraf-Sharif dispute were sown in. For the wily general, this was an intolerable snub, having had got rid of Benazir Bhutto, herself brought up on the hate politics of her more malicious father Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto.
Without bothering to go into the history that led to the ouster of Nawaz Sharif and the subsequent series of events, Musharraf finally miscalculated the consequences of holding elections. When you live in your ivory towers, you lose connect with people. Musharraf fell in the same pit he had dug up for the Opposition which was itching to settle scores with him. Besides Pakistan's people, always caught between the military and civilian crossfire, didn't want the man to foist himself any more. His image brutalized, he fell dramatically and mass movements bayed for his impeachment. True to his character, he called his four-year stray in London as "self imposed exile" and mobilized a party of his own to run for the National Assembly.
The General may have heralded his return to tumultuous Pakistan with a lot a of stage-managed fanfare, but the roadmap from here is anything but easy. He is already a marked man, targeted by Taliban and the present military establishment. Democratic dispensations are wary of him, given his past record at treachery and political somersaults.
Behind the army demeanor, there lurks a hard-core politician. Aware of the rebuffs that dot his path, he has already met with a few. His nomination papers were rejected for his acts of "reason and corruption", a clause Indian electoral system could well draw from. But howsoever Musharraf wants to propagandize his love for Pakistan, no one is hoodwinked into believing that and the man has landed back on his home soil because he hardly had any option. He is obviously trying to make a virtue of his compulsion.
There are a string of cases lined up against him. Having trampled all institutions during his cleverly manipulative regime, he is everybody's burden. Elevating such a man at the helm again is fraught with the consequences Pakistani people may not try to experiment with.
Take it. This is a do-or-die battle for Musharraf. He will be consigned to the dustbin of history if his outfit fails to come to power. But so mercurial is the country's political health and so helpless are the people that it is dicey to predict electoral outcomes there. In any case, civilian governments are run like puppets by the Army which is also rife with dissensions. If not anything, the courts will play activists, which miffed Musharraf when he was all-in-all.
There is, of course, this one in hundred chance that the man might return to craft his fledgling country. No one knows better than Musharraf that anything is possible in his country where ferment is the order of the day.
Welcome to Pakistan where only the most insidious survive.